The Submissive Training Mini-Course
Many of life’s frustrations can come from a lack of understanding of ourselves, our essential needs and denial of our deepest desires. We can spend a lifetime ignoring and/or resisting these signals but the frustration continues to build. We jump head first into activities that make us happy in hopes that it will eliminate the frustration, and create a better life. But the happiness is fleeting and the frustration becomes more intense once the high from the activity is over.
Understanding your purpose will help to make Life easier but to uncover that you must first know exactly who you are, what you need and what it is you want. Taking the time to understand yourself is difficult and most people can not be bothered with it but as Plato said “An unexamined life is not worth living.” And you will not find true meaning and happiness from trying to avoid looking into yourself. Without understanding you, you will never be able to figure out exactly what you require and what it is you need to do.
Before You Decide To Jump In Head First
Please take a breath and spend some time understanding you first. If you don’t take the necessary time to do some self reflection before you dive into BDSM you will find yourself in for a shockingly painful ride.
Think of jumping into BDSM without ever figuring out you, like trying to find a piece of equipment at night in your backyard work shed. First off its pitch black, you can’t see a thing and honestly you don’t even know what it is that you’re looking for. All you’ll end up doing is stumbling around with your hands out as you desperately try to orientate yourself. You will end up stubbing your toe a few times, banging your knees, maybe cut yourself once or twice and probably land on your face more times then you would like. I’m sure you’ll believe you have found what it is you were hoping to find a few times only to realize that it wasn’t. Because you didn’t know what it was you were looking for in the first place, you just had a vague idea it was a tool which means it was likely to be in the work shed. In the end, you will leave the work shed, frustrated, exhausted, beat up and worst off than you had started.
Now if a friend of yours said they were going to head to the work shed at night, I’m sure you would tell them two things.
1) figure out what it is you need from the shed
2) wait until morning so you can actually see where it is.
Which I would say is some pretty sound advice and it is exactly what I am suggestion you do as well. Figure out who are you, and what you require before you step into the work shed (ie dungeon). Having that light may not reveal everything or exactly where you need to go, but it will help to light your path.
Here are some crucial questions to ask yourself
So you can really dig down into what it is that you need/desire and who you are
- What does submission/slavery look like to you?
- What does Domination look like to you?
- What is the outcome you are looking for and want?
- In three to five years what do you want to be different?
- What are the obstacles you are currently facing to stop you from having the outcome you want?
- What do you have control of that can help you to make the change you want?
Answering these questions should really force you to think. There are no wrong answers, however, it should not take a minute to answer them either. This is your life, does it not deserve the time and energy to discover how you are meant to live it?
At the same time don’t put too much pressure on yourself, as the answers to these questions will always be changing as you grow and evolve in life. Keep these answers some place safe, and refer back to them so you see how far you have come and how you have changed. It also allows you to see where you might have been sidetracked and if you need to make any changes to get yourself where you want to be.
That Is Just The Start
Many people when trying to understand something only focus on the what. To focus on the what and only on how things make us feel, we only ever just scratch the surface and never understand the why of the matter. However, it is the why that will show you your purpose and reveal all the unknown. Understanding the why gives us the power over the what. So without understanding the why we become lost and powerless to everything else.
Here is an example:
You get together with one of your friends for coffee, they see you are down. So they ask the typical question, “Whats wrong?”
You reply “I’m just really stressed.”
You can leave the conversation there and neither one of you try to uncover more about the situation. Stress can then lead to anxiety, depression and a number of other problems. In essence you have become powerless to the problem, to your feeling stressed and to the what of the matter.
Now lets say your friend being the concerned and caring friend they are asks “Well, WHY are you so stressed?”
This allows you to dig deeper into the root cause of the situation. It allows you to vocalize a better understanding of the matter. Once you understand why you are stressed, you now have power over that which has controlled you. Now you are able to determine how you will dictate your future. Even if understanding why does not help you to resolve things, it still helps you to better understand the matter at hand.
Is the stress coming from an overly demanding jerk of a boss? Once you know, you can work the solution, like getting a new job, talking to HR, transferring to a different department, etc.
If you only focus on the fact that you are stressed, you never truly find the root cause and therefore lose any ability to do anything about.
Understanding the why, allows us to better understand ourselves and gives us the freedom we need to grow.
As famous philosopher Benedict Spinoza said (let me paraphrase) happiness comes from an increase in understanding. Even understanding unhappiness can create happiness.
So ignorance is not bliss, especially when it comes to yourself.
Once We Know The What, Understand The Why?
- Why do I want this? Why do I need this? Why do I desire this?
- Why do I avoid, ignore or refuse this?
- Why do I want this particular outcome?
- Why do I allow these obstacles to block my path?
When answering these question it is very easy to resort back to the what over the why. The majority of the time when I ask someone “Why do you want to be submissive/Dominant?” nine times out of ten I hear because it turns me on. That actually isn’t an answer to why, it is the answer to the what.
“What do you like about being submissive/Dominant?”
“It turns me on.”
When asking these questions you need to dig deeper. Why does it turn you on? Why does it arouse you in such a way?
“Because I like someone telling me what to do.” Again, why do you like someone telling you what to do?
Write your answers out on a piece of paper and on every line, ask yourself “why” until you break down your answer to the point where you can no longer ask why. Even better, if you have a friend or a partner, write out your answers to the what and have them take notes on your why answers. They can then keep asking you why, until they can no longer ask.
By not taking the time to dig into yourself, you are essentially putting on a blindfold and just desperately throwing darts at a board hoping you might get lucky and hit the bullseye. Instead, take the blindfold off and take aim at what it is your truly desire. You may not hit it immediately but you are far more likely to get it in the end and with far fewer tries. And who knows you may find out you enjoy being blindfolded and that is when you should put it on.
Understanding Your Desire To Submit
Most people assume that the idea of independence overrules the need for dominance in any relationship. However, the need for authority is also natural in life. BD, or bondage and discipline (sometimes referred to as bondage and dominance), is one way that people exercise this need. While many are embarrassed to admit a passion for such activity, it is actually something that is more common than most realize.
In fact, while bondage and discipline bring to mind the idea of chains and gags, these are just some of the means of employ in such fetishism. Though the practice does usually involve some sort of restraint and perhaps “punishment” play, it is not a barbaric practice.
When you first realize that you have fantasies that fall within the realm of fetishism, including bondage, discipline, dominance, and sadomasochism, you’ll probably find yourself afraid to recognize such desires. You may react with disgust in yourself, fear of such thoughts, or even denial of those needs and desires. However, if you really feel as though this is a lifestyle that you should be involved in, you’ll have to learn to get over embarrassment toward those desires.
There are several stages through which you will have to work before you reach a level of acceptance and understanding. The first stage is realization, when you literally discover your penchant for such behavior. While many realize at an early age – sometimes even in childhood – that they enjoy such forms of stimulation, others don’t recognize it until later in life, perhaps not even until they’ve gone through an emotional revolution caused by experiences like divorce that force them to explore their lifestyles. Often, the initial discovery is met with a reaction of denial, with difficulty in believing that it could ever happen to you.
However, the further you explore, the less you can deny your need for domination or dominance, whichever position you take. Learning about this can lead to a modicum of fear. Because of social stigmas regarding practices of sadomasochism and bondage, as well as related bedroom play, individuals discovering their own enjoyment of the practices tend to fear that their friends and family will find out about their preferences and either ridicule or even worry about them, suggesting therapy.
This is typically followed by research, looking to both justify and explain the excitement gained from such practices. With proof that there are others who feel the same way and information or studies showing that you are not alone or abnormal in your desires, you may begin to experiment with yourself to determine exactly what it is you are looking for. Do you feel the need to play master to a servant or to serve a master? Do you enjoy just a little bit of pain? Do you like the idea of being restrained? These are questions you should answer for yourself before becoming involved with other fetishists to make sure you know what sort of relationship into which you should enter.
As you learn more about yourself, you’ll likely begin to look for others with either your same desires or those that fit the opposing role. This search should be performed with care because you’ll want to verify that the relationships you decide to cultivate are conducive to your desires and healthy for everyone involved. When you begin to search for others in your situation, you’ll be more likely to come to terms with your desires. There is always safety in numbers and affirmation in joining a particular community.
Upon deciding that you do not have any kind of abnormal desires, you’ll be more comfortable in exploring this side of your sexuality, and you will want to find yourself a partner. Again, great care is necessary when you enter into any type of fetish world, and you should practice safety measures in all interactions. What started out as something that enlisted fear will become great fun for you as you become more involved in the world.
With that said one thing I hear all the time from people in the lifestyle or who want to enter into the lifestyle is that BDSM is some sort of cure-all for the woes of their life. Yes, BDSM is fun and can be safe, but it’s not going to make you younger or happier. You may have a lovely time in the dungeon and you might even enjoy pushing your boundaries and edges the entire time, but you will not cure things that happen outside of the bedroom by heading into the dungeon. The endorphin rush and that great session buzz will only last so long. The feelings you had before you walked in the scene will come back, no matter how great of a slave you are.
BDSM Will Not Improve An Unhealthy Relationship
Some people think that if they just do a few more kinky things in their relationship, things will be happier. While you might have lost some of the spice in your relationship, BDSM is not the way to bring the magic back into your partnership. Instead, you need to look for what is happening in your relationship and talk to your partner about how they can work with you to ensure you are heading in a more positive direction. BDSM might be fun to add to a good relationship, but when your relationship is on the rocks, adding a scene that involves having complete trust in your partner (when you don’t) is not the best of ideas.
BDSM Will Not Cure Mental Woes
Others who have general trust issues or depression or low self esteem might think that BDSM will help them create a more solid sense of themselves. This happens often with new slaves who think that being obedient to a Master or a Mistress will help them feel better about themselves. After all, if they can please one person, they must be a good person. This sort of thinking is not accurate and mental issues are best worked on with the help of a trained therapist. This professional will be able to make sure that you work through your mental problems and that you don’t bring them into the bedroom, where they can’t be solved.
BDSM Will Not Bring Happiness To An Unhappy Person
Just like anything in life, the only key to happiness is the way you think about your life. Looking outside of yourself for answers, like thinking BDSM will make you happy, is not a good way to help your life. Instead, you need to understand what is truly troubling you and work on resolving those issues. You may need to talk to a professional therapist, take some much needed vacation time, spend more time connecting with your friends and family, or spend more time focused on you and your health. What you don’t need to do is bring another complicated factor into your life. BDSM is many things, but it can not make you happy when you are not.
BDSM is not a cure for the things that ail you in your life. When you have issues that are coming up for you, don’t head to the dungeon to work them out. You need to think for yourself how you can manage your problems and then enjoy the time you spend with your partner in the dungeon/bedroom. Life isn’t always easy or pretty, and while BDSM might be enjoyable and a ton of fun, it can not take the place of personal self development. You’re not in the dungeon all the time, so you need to realize that your problems follow you everywhere, especially when you’re not taking steps to deal with them.
I hope you enjoyed Part 1 of the free e-Course. Keep your eyes peeled for the next edition which will arrive in a couple of days!
In the mean time, take a moment to read about how The BDSM Slave Training Guide can teach you the best kept secrets of slave training (using our step-by-step instructional manual, pictures, and diagrams). To learn more click here!
To Your Journey,
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