Understanding Your Desire To Submit

Most people assume that independence overrules the need for dominance in any relationship. However, the need for authority is also natural in Life. BD, or bondage and discipline (sometimes referred to as bondage and dominance), is one way people exercise this need. While many are embarrassed to admit a passion for such an activity, it is more common than most realize.

While bondage and discipline bring to mind the idea of chains and gags, these are just some of the means of employ in such fetishism. Though the practice does involve some sort of restraint and perhaps “punishment” play, it is not a barbaric practice.

You’ll probably be afraid to recognize such desires when you first realize that you have fantasies that fall within fetishism, including bondage, discipline, dominance, and sadomasochism. You may react with disgust in yourself, fear of such thoughts, or even denial of those needs and desires. However, if you feel this is a lifestyle you should be involved in, you’ll have to learn to get over embarrassment toward those desires.

There are several stages through which you will have to work before you reach a level of acceptance and understanding. The first stage is realization when you discover your penchant for such behavior. While many realize at an early age – sometimes even in childhood – that they enjoy such forms of stimulation, others don’t recognize it until later in Life, perhaps not even until they’ve gone through an emotional revolution caused by experiences like divorce that force them to explore their fantasies. Often, the initial discovery is met with a denial reaction, with difficulty in believing that it could ever happen to you.

However, the further you explore, the less you can deny your need for Domination or Dominance, whichever position you take. Because of social stigmas regarding practices of sadomasochism and bondage, as well as related bedroom play, individuals discovering their enjoyment of the practices tend to fear that their friends and family will find out about their preferences and either ridicule or even worry about them, suggesting therapy. Learning about this can lead to a fraction of fear.

This is typically followed by research, looking to both justify and explain the excitement gained from such practices. With proof that others feel the same way and information or studies showing that you are not alone or abnormal in your desires, you may begin to experiment with yourself to determine what you are looking for. Do you feel the need to play master to a servant or to serve a master? Do you enjoy just a little bit of pain? Do you like the idea of being restrained? These are questions you should answer for yourself before becoming involved with other fetishists to make sure you know what sort of relationship into which you should enter.

As you learn more about yourself, you’ll likely begin to look for others with your same desires or those that fit the opposing role. This search should be performed with care because you’ll want to verify that the relationships you decide to cultivate are conducive to your desires and healthy for everyone involved. When you search for others in your situation, you’ll be more likely to come to terms with your desires. There is always safety in numbers and affirmation in joining a particular community.

Upon deciding that you do not have any abnormal desires, you’ll be more comfortable in exploring this side of your sexuality, and you will want to find yourself a partner. Again, great care is necessary when entering any fetish, and you should practice safety measures in all interactions. What started out as something that ignited fear will become great fun for you as you become more involved in the world.

With that said, one thing I hear all the time from people in the lifestyle or who want to enter into the lifestyle is that BDSM is some sort of cure-all for the woes of their Life. Yes, BDSM is fun and can be safe, but it will not make you younger or happier. You may have a lovely time in the dungeon, and you might even enjoy pushing your boundaries, but you will not cure things that happen outside of the bedroom by heading into the dungeon. The endorphin rush and that great session buzz will only last so long. The feelings you had before you walked into the scene will come back, no matter how great of a scene you may have just had. The issues will always be waiting on the other side of the dungeon door.

BDSM Will Not Improve An Unhealthy Relationship

Some people think that things will be happier if they do a few more kinky things in their relationship. While you might have lost some of the spice in your relationship, BDSM is not how to bring the magic back into your partnership. Instead, you need to look for what is happening in your relationship and talk to your partner about how they can work with you to ensure you are heading in a more positive direction. BDSM might be fun to add to a good relationship, but when your relationship is on the rocks, adding a scene that involves having complete trust in your partner (when you don’t) is not the best of ideas.

BDSM Will Not Cure Mental Woes

Others with general trust issues, depression, or low self-esteem might think that BDSM will help them create a more solid sense of themselves. This often happens with new slaves who believe that obedience to a Master or a Mistress will help them feel better about themselves. After all, if they can please one person, they must be a good person. This sort of thinking is not real and mental issues are best worked on with the help of a trained therapist. This professional will be able to make sure that you work through your mental problems and that you don’t bring them into the bedroom, where they can’t be solved.

BDSM Will Not Bring Happiness To An Unhappy Person

Like anything in Life, the only key to happiness is how you think about your Life. Looking outside of yourself for answers, like thinking BDSM will make you happy, is not an excellent way to help your Life. Instead, you need to understand what is truly troubling you and work on resolving those issues. You may need to talk to a professional therapist, take some much-needed vacation time, connect with your friends and family, or focus more on you and your health. You don’t need to bring another complicated factor into your Life. BDSM is many things but can not make you happy when you are not.

BDSM is not a cure for the things that ail you in your Life. When you have issues coming up for you, don’t head to the dungeon to work them out. It would be best if you thought about how to manage your problems and then enjoy the time you spend with your partner in the dungeon/bedroom. Life isn’t always easy or pretty, and while BDSM might be enjoyable and fun, it can not take the place of personal self-development. You’re not in the dungeon always, so you need to realize that your problems follow you everywhere, especially when you’re not taking steps to deal with them.