The Submissive Training Mini-Course
For a submissive, BDSM is a practice of handing over the care of your body to another. One of the things that many BDSM lovers say drew them to BDSM is that it is the ultimate experience of trust. When you are in a BDSM scene or in a relationship, you need to be able to both trust your partner and be trustworthy. Without that dynamic, you might not be able to create a safe relationship that is fulfilling to the both of you.
Can You Trust Your Partner?
When you’re first meeting a new partner, you need to make sure that you trust them. Many people you meet through friends are going to be more trustworthy than others, but when you meet someone who is a stranger, you will find that they are harder to judge. This is why it’s so important that you do not play with someone or submit to anybody that you do not 100% completely trust.
Far too many submissives jump into play and/or choose to serve a Dominant who they don’t even know. Remember that as a submissive you will potentially be putting yourself into very vulnerable positions. If you do this with the wrong person there is a chance that terrible things could occur. If you know nothing about a Dominant’s personal life and you would not trust them to hold your purse for a few minutes, then whatever you do, do not trust them with your life and your submission.
Before you jump into the dungeon together, get to know each other outside of the dungeon first. The more you talk with each other, the more you will begin to see if you are a good fit and if you trust them to handle a flogger around you. Even when you get a strange feeling about someone else, listen to it. Much of the time that odd feeling is valid for a reason.
Most importantly, trust is earned not given! To earn trust takes time, so take your time before choosing to submit. What makes BDSM so intense is that you share a very vulnerable moment of your life with someone special and trustworthy. Those types of people do not come along everyday, which is why it can be so intense.
How to Establish Trust
Once you’ve decided that someone else is worthy of your trust, you will want to make sure that this is actually the case. You will want to begin by talking to each other outside of the bedroom. This will help you see if they are able to do things that you expect them to do. For example, if they say that they are going to be at a certain place at a certain time, they should be. Of course, this goes both ways. You also need to show that you are a trustworthy person. Listen to them to see if their stories make sense, if they are willing to share things with you, and whether they treat others well. When you begin to get to know the other person, you will be able to more accurately measure their trustworthiness. There is no ‘time’ when you should invite someone back to the bedroom, but the longer you wait the better off you will be.
What To Look For
There is no 100% foolproof method to determine if a person is trustworthy or not. Only time can truly tell. However, there are a few things you can lookout for when getting to know a new Dominant.
- Do their words match their actions: They say they respect people but they are rude to others when you go out together.
- They have no interest in getting to know you: All they ever want to talk about is BDSM, your submission and how you will serve them. A serious Dominant can only truly dominate a submissive when they understand who the submissive is as a person. Whereas, most fakers or flakes will want to get a submissive to serve right away. The reason is they are only interested in their own desires and only see you as a thing instead of a person.
- They believe every submissive is below them: They think because a person has choosen to be submissive that they should treat them with respect even when they do not treat the submissive with any respect in return.
- Do they understand a submissive can not serve without trust: If a Dominant constantly talks about meeting alone and having the sub serve them as soon as possible, then you know right away they have zero interest in proving they are trustworthy. Chances are because they are not trustworthy. Any serious Dominant knows it takes a long time to build trust with a sub before they will ever feel comfortable serving.
When Trust is Lost
In the dungeon, trust is something that is implied, but that doesn’t mean everyone always plays fair. You need to make sure that when trust is lost in the bedroom that you take action to repair it or you find a new partner. For example, if a partner doesn’t stop when you use a safeword, you need to stop the scene and talk about why that happened. If they apologize and they never do it again, then it was a simple mistake. But if they continue to go beyond your limits, for example, then you need to make sure that you stop the relationship. At the same time, you need to make sure that you are vocal in telling your Dominant when enough is enough.
BDSM is fun, but it’s also serious play. You need to make sure that you can hand over your body to someone else and that another person is comfortable accepting the control and responsibility over you. While they might seem as though they are having a good time, just as in any relationship, without trust, you don’t have a true partnership.
Why Is Trust Important?
If you put your trust into the hands of the wrong person, they can seriously hurt, injure and/or harm you, both mentally and physically.
When you are in bondage, there is nothing that you can physically do to stop another person from assaulting you. That is a fact! That is what makes bondage so powerful yet scary at the same time. If done with the right person, it helps to build upon the trust you have already established. If done with the wrong person, it can have serious consequences.
Every time you allow another person to wield any kind of BDSM implement against you, you have to trust that this person knows what they are doing, will respect your limits and will stop once you say you have had enough. Otherwise, the consequences can be traumatizing.
This may seem a bit extreme to some, however your safety is of the utmost importance. So taking the time necessary to learn about your potential Dominant and making sure they are trustworthy is an essential part of that.
Remember mistrusting the wrong person only needs to happen once.
Who Is Responsible For Your Safety
There are a few reasons why W/we are discussing trust in this part of the minicourse:
1) To help you better determine if a potential Dominant will be worth your time to submit too.
2) To help enhance any form of play or training you decide to take part in.
3) To help protect you from potentially dangerous situations.
This is the last part that I want to focus on now. Safety should be your number one concern at all times. Far too many submissives put all their trust into a Dominant and forget to trust themselves and their own common sense.
In a perfect world, W/we should all be able to trust one another implicitly. However, because the world is not perfect you must remember even though you may trust your Dominant that does not mean mistakes can’t happen or that the Dominant you are training under just might not know any better. Therefore you must not depend on your Dominant to look after your safety. Of course, a responsible Dominant will look after your safety but that does not mean you should then completely neglect it.
If you ever feel at any time that you are not in a safe situation or you are just uncomfortable with the situation it is your responsibility to stop the situation at once.
You are always responsible for your own safety!
You Make The Final Decision
I have heard far too many submissives crying about how their Dominant hurt them and they thought their Dominant was supposed to protect them. Before anybody else is hurt you must understand a truth about Dominant and submissive interactions.
You Are The One In Charge
Its true that you may like being submissive and you want someone to take control, but at all times you must understand that you have chosen to submit to your Dominant. This means you can choose to not submit at any time. You have the final say in all the decisions between you and your Dominant. If you feel that they are asking you to do something that is not in your best interest, could be harmful to you or you do not feel comfortable with, cry out your safeword and put a stop to it.
BDSM and Dominant/submissive relationships is about consenting submission. You have the right to not do and/or put a stop to anything at anytime.
Do not blindly submit to any person that calls themselves a Dominant. There are many fake Dominants in the world and even more within the cyber world. You must look out for your own safety at all times.
You are always responsible for your own safety!
How To Keep Yourself Safe While Submitting
The reason W/we focus on safety is because no matter how safe you are there is always a risk while participating in any sexual or BDSM activity. None of the methods W/we describe is 100% effective at eliminating risk. Only complete abstinence from any sexual or BDSM activity is 100% effective. There are ways to greatly reduce your expose to any form of harm and/or injury.
1) Never play with someone you don’t know and/or trust
2) Never consume drugs or alcohol before, during or after a play/training session. These sustances lower your inhibitions and decision making abilities. This may cause you to agree to something that you normally would never do. Submitting is a very intense experience and you need all your faculties when participating.
3) Only use your own toys: Floggers, canes, dildos, and other BDSM/sex toys that have been and are used on multiple people can increase your chances of exposure to harmful infections. Only using your own toys to be used only on you, limits your exposure.
4) Always Practice Safer (Protected) Sex Techniques. A clean looking person is not an indicator of health or being disease free. Even if your partner seems clean or says they are disease free (there is a chance they may cheat in the future), you must make sure you protect yourself and your partner at all times. To do so include these tools in all your play/training.
- Latex Gloves – Note that there are latex-free options for those who are sensitive or who are allergic to latex (Nitrile Gloves)
- Condoms – Having condoms that fit and that are lubricated can help to reduce the transmission of bodily fluids.
- Dental Dams – You can use dental dams to create layers between your mouth and other areas of your partner’s body, without reducing sensations that are pleasurable.
All of these barrier methods will greatly reduce the risk of transmission of STDs and other contagious diseases. Whenever you are sharing bodily fluids, you need to make sure that the partner has either been tested recently or you need to create barriers that will prevent the sharing of these fluids. Fluids that can transmit disease include blood, semen, and saliva. To be absolutely safe, have a partner wear latex gloves to keep their hands clean, use condoms for penetration and always use new condoms and gloves when switching to a new scene in which new fluids may be exchanged.
For more information about STDs and protecting yourself please go to: The Center For Disease Control And Prevention
Avoid Fake & Untrustworthy Dominants In The Future
If you currently are not serving a Dominant but truly desire to find one that is worthy of your submission then there are definitely some characteristics you need to be aware of.
Have a look at the infographic at the link below to learn how to identify the type of Dominant you will want to avoid in the future:
I hope you enjoyed Part 2 of the free e-Course. Keep your eyes peeled for the next edition which will arrive in a couple of days!
To Your Journey,
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